First and Last Read online

  “Uh, nothing. I’m just not used to seeing you dressed like . . . that.” I move my hand up and down gesturing to her clothing. I leave out the fact I really like her dressed this way.

  She looks down at herself. “This is what I sleep in. Nothing special.” Thank God she’s clueless to my thoughts and has no idea why I’m stumbling all over myself.

  I swallow hard. “Oh, okay. Cool. Anyway, where’s your dad?” Needing a distraction, I sit at her desk and start flipping through the first magazine I can put my hands on. It’s some stupid, girly boy band one, but I don’t care right now. Whatever it takes to keep me from looking at her long, tan legs.

  Crap! Stop it now!

  “He’s actually on a date.” She sounds surprised.

  I look back up at her in shock. “Wow. I don’t think your dad has ever gone out with anyone before.”

  “Right? It’s a girl he works with.” She sits on her bed and curls her legs underneath her. “It’s a little weird when I think about it.”

  “Are you okay with it?”

  Her eyebrows crinkle. “Yeah, I am. I’m happy he’s kind of doing his own thing. I feel like I’ve held him back through the years when my mom decided she didn’t want me anymore. He didn’t have enough time to himself because he was always taking care of me.”

  Getting up from my seat, I sit beside her. “You know your dad doesn’t feel that way, so stop it. This is a good thing.” I drape my arm over her shoulders and rub her arm to comfort her.

  “Thanks,” she says. She turns to look at me and we’re inches away from each other. We’re both frozen, caught in this awkward moment where neither of us knows if we should stay here or pull away. We share the same air and I can feel her exhale against my face. My green eyes stare into her blues and I think I’ve forgotten how to breathe. Or I’m afraid to. The room grows hot and my palms start to sweat.

  It could be minutes or seconds that we stare at each other, I don’t know. But my brain finally triggers common sense to the rest of my body and I look away.

  “I better go,” I say after I clear my throat. “I told my mom I’d only be gone five minutes.” I spring up from the bed and walk toward the window.

  “You can, uh, go out the front door if you want.” She sounds just as unsure of what happened as I do. This is so weird.

  “Nope, it’s okay.” The quicker I’m out of here the better. Before I start to climb back down the lattice, I pop my head back in the window. “Oh yeah, if my mom asks, I was helping you with your math because you suck at it.”

  “Shut it, Blake,” she says as she glares at me. And just as quickly as things shifted the first time, they’re back to the way they were. This is the safe zone. The area where friendships don’t get messed up. This is where we need to stay.

  With a grin, I climb down and head home. Going straight up to my bedroom, my mind replays what happened over and over. What was that? I’ve never looked at Mia that way and I damn near kissed her. Not once have I noticed anything about her body, but I had a hard time peeling my eyes off of her a few minutes ago. I couldn’t look away. I didn’t want to. I know it doesn’t make sense, and the more I think about it, the more confused I get.

  It’s Josh. He’s getting in my head. All this talk about how attractive she is now is messing with me. But if that’s the case, then why do I want to go back over there and see her in those shorts again?

  “We still good to study tonight?” Mia asks me at my locker. I wasn’t sure if things would be weird between us after that night in her room last week, but we fell into our normal routine. I’m still confused as hell, but I seem to be the only one.

  “Yeah, is that cool with your dad?” I pull the book I need for my next period out and close the door.

  “Yep. He said it was fine, but I’m still grounded. So no TV and no goofing off.” She rolls her eyes, making me grin.

  “Cool. I’ll be over after practice then.”

  “Hey, guys,” Josh says as he walks up, flashing Mia a smile. My eyes narrow at him slightly even though he’s not looking at me.

  “Hey, Josh. How are you?” Mia asks.

  “Good, real good.” I have to stifle my laughter. He’s so lame.

  “Well, I’ll see you later, Blake,” she says to me.

  “Yeah, I’ll come over when I get home from practice.”

  As she walks away, Josh and I both stare after her. “Man, look at her ass.” He sounds like he’s in awe, and it pisses me off. I know it shouldn’t, but it does and I can’t explain it. Even I don’t fully understand these new feelings.

  “I think I’m going to ask Mia to the eighth grade dance,” Josh says as we’re walking to class. My head snaps in his direction, taken by surprise.

  “What? Why? Uh, I mean, I didn’t know you liked her that way.”

  “Yeah, I guess,” he says with a shrug. “She’s hot and I don’t think she’s going with anyone, so I’m going to ask her.”

  My stomach burns with something I’ve never felt before.

  Jealousy.

  And I hate it. I hate how this feels and I have no control over it. Mostly, I hate what it’s about to make me do.

  “Well, she told me someone already asked her.” The lie is out of my mouth before I can stop it. I just can’t watch him go with her.

  “Really? Who?” He stops outside his class and looks at me.

  “I’m not sure. I didn’t ask.” I look away as the lies keep spilling out.

  “Well, that sucks.” He turns to go into his class.

  “Yeah, sorry, man.”

  Guilt should hit me for lying to my friend, but it doesn’t. I’m not sure what that says about me or the way I’m starting to feel about Mia, but I lock it away and go to class. There’s time to worry about that later.

  Mia’s outside getting the mail when I come over to help her study. “Hey,” she greets with a nice smile. Her teeth are perfectly white and her face glows. She’s so damn pretty.

  “Hey,” I reply. “You ready to get this over with?” I point to my math book in my hand.

  Her shoulders slump, showing her lack of enthusiasm. “I guess.”

  I follow her inside the house, waving at Mr. Avery as we pass by. He starts warning us that I’m here to study only, but his words fade into the background as my eyes travel up ahead of me and land on her ass. I’m mesmerized, damn near hypnotized as she sways her hips from side to side with each step she climbs.

  I look up right before she turns her head toward me. “I started on our assignment already, but skipped the ones I got stuck on.”

  I nod a little too eagerly, but I’m thankful she didn’t see me checking her out. That would have been awkward. “Good,” is all I can manage with my brain pulling me in two different directions.

  One side says, Danger! Nothing good will come of this. The other side says, Go for it!

  We lie on the floor on our stomachs working out the different problems. She starts to get the hang of it and I think there might be hope for her yet. When we’re done, we put our stuff away and lie back looking up at the ceiling.

  At the risk of sounding like a major sissy, I’ve missed her. I don’t get to see her that much now that she’s in trouble. She’s my best friend, the person I tell everything to.

  “So, I was thinking,” I say after a while.

  “Uh oh, don’t hurt yourself,” she responds.

  “Ha ha, you’re so funny. But seriously, who are you going with to the dance?” Ever since Josh brought it up, it’s all I could think about.

  “Me, myself, and I. What about you?”

  I shake my head. “No one.”

  “I thought you’d ask Sarah.”

  “Why?”

  “She seems to like you.”

  Sarah is in one of my classes. She’s cute and nice, but I don’t know. I’m just not that into her. “Nah, I was thinking me and you could go together.” I don’t know why I’m so nervous right now. My stomach flutters and my hands are sweaty.

>   “Like, as friends?” Her eyebrows are pulled in when I look at her. She seems confused by my suggestion, but I am too. It’s something about Josh wanting to go with her that made me decide we needed to.

  “Yeah, plus, we made a pact. It’s our first dance, so we have to do it together.”

  When we were eleven years old, we made a pact to do all of our firsts together. Our first drink, our first time skipping school, our first party.

  Our first kiss.

  It was the pact that actually led us to knocking that last one off the list. It was a simple peck and didn’t mean anything. Neither of us really knew what we were doing, but it was a first, nonetheless.

  “That’s right.” She pauses for a while and if I could have any superpower in the world, it would be to read minds. I’m dying to know what she’s thinking right now. Not knowing is making me even more nervous. “Okay, then it’s a plan. We’ll go together.”

  I try to hide it, but fail miserably as a huge smile stretches across my face.

  Mia,

  Try not to step on my toes this weekend.

  Blake

  I fold the note up right before the bell rings for second period so I can put it in her locker. It’s Friday, so the dance is tomorrow. This has been the longest week of my life. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I never care about these dances and stuff, but this time I’m kind of excited. And nervous. And I know it’s because I’m going with Mia. It’s not like we don’t hang out all the time, but this feels more like a date, and that changes everything.

  Fourth period is about to start, so I go to my locker to switch out my books when a note falls out.

  Blake,

  Who said I would actually dance with you? I only agreed to go.

  Mia

  I stuff the note in my pocket and smile the whole way to class. She always makes me laugh with her attitude and feistiness, which is probably why we get along so well. I don’t have to worry about hurting her feelings or saying the wrong thing like with most girls. I can joke and give her a hard time and she returns the favor. It’s this give and take thing and it works for us.

  The first slow song of the night comes on. My stomach drops as I look to Mia. This is the prettiest I’ve ever seen her. All the girls got dressed up, but she really stands out. A simple, long black dress shows off her hot body. What I like most is that she doesn’t try too hard. She doesn’t look slutty or wear a pound of makeup. Her hair is done up in some curls. It’s darker than it used to be, but still shiny and blonde. And her face looks normal but her lips have a little lipstick on them.

  “Want to dance?” I ask her nervously.

  She smiles slightly, looks down, and nods. Grabbing her hand, I stand up tall and try to pretend I know what I’m doing like Mom taught me. When we’re on the dance floor, I put my arms around her waist and wait for her arms to wrap around my neck. We rock back and forth as we both look around the room, refusing to make eye contact. Other couples are dancing too, and my focus stops on Josh. He’s here with a girl I’ve never really talked to. When he found out I was taking Mia, he was pretty pissed at me. But I lied again and told him her date flaked on her so I was taking her. That probably makes me a bad friend, but he’ll get over it.

  Halfway through the song, we finally meet each other’s eyes. I don’t know if this feels awkward because we’re doing something that’s usually done by couples and we’re just friends or what. She smiles first and I return it. “You look really nice, Blake.”

  My face heats up and I look down at myself. I’m wearing dress slacks, a blue button-up shirt, and a tie. “Thanks,” I say shyly. “You look really good too. Prettiest girl here.” My focus returns to her and now her face turns red. At least I’m not the only awkward one here.

  “Thanks for asking me to go with you. I was bummed out thinking I’d have to stay home.”

  “Why would you stay home?” My eyebrows pull in.

  “Because no one wanted to go with me. I’m not like those popular girls that all the guys are falling over themselves to take out.”

  “Are you kidding me? The only reason those girls get asked out is because guys are afraid of you.”

  “I don’t get it,” she says as she shakes her head.

  “You’re way out of our league. You’re smart and pretty and fun. Those girls make it easy. You’re the girl every guy wants, but knows he isn’t good enough for.”

  She stares at me for several moments before leaning in and kissing me on the cheek. I’m pretty sure my insides explode. “I’m glad I have you, Blake Collins.”

  I am too.

  Present

  I’m weightless, flying through the air. But gravity is a bitch, and it’s not long before my body slams into the ground. I tumble down some more before my momentum is stopped by a large boulder I crash into. A loud crack comes from my back before I flop over and finally come to a stop. A pain like I’ve never felt before travels all over my body. My eyes squeeze shut and I grit my teeth while a gut curdling growl escapes me. I attempt to sit up, but the pain is unbearable.

  Blowing short breaths in and out of my mouth, I brace myself for the hurt I know is coming when I try to move again.

  “Arrgggh!” I yell out in pain and frustration.

  My head spins and I can’t stop the ringing in my ears. I’m completely disoriented and having trouble getting my bearings. Fuck!

  As I lie here trying to catch my breath, visions of my dad flash through my mind. God, please don’t let me end up like him.

  September 17, 1999

  Even though sophomore year has barely started, I’m already tired of it. And nothing is worse than starting each day with American history. I swear my teacher’s main goal each morning is to try to kill us with boredom. The only plus is that my girlfriend, Hilary, and Mia are in this class with me.

  Hilary and I started going out over the summer. We worked together at a miniature golf place. She’s cute and has a killer smile with short, brown hair and big hazel eyes. She’s tall, but not as tall as Mia. Hilary’s not as smart as Mia either, but she’s nice.

  Mia isn’t mean to her, which is more than I can say about the other girls I’ve hung out with. I’m always hesitant to tell her when I’m into a girl. I hate seeing the judgment, the snarl, the roll of her eyes, and hearing the negative comments. This girl is a slut. That girl is dumb. This one’s annoying. That one hardly talks.

  I used to be naïve as to why she’d act that way, but I understand now. She’s jealous, and I can relate. I hated the last guy she was with, but there’s nothing either of us can do about it. We’re in this gray area. I know she likes me more than a friend, and I’m pretty sure she knows I like her. But we’ve both decided it can’t go any further than that. What would happen if we crossed that line and broke up? I’d lose my best friend, and I can’t let that happen.

  “So what are we doing this weekend?” Hilary whispers to me.

  When the teacher turns her back, I respond, “I don’t care. What do you want to do?”

  “I thought we could go to the movies. I reeeeeally want to see Runaway Bride.”

  God, not another chick flick. I have to resist the urge to slam my head against my desk. I mean, would it kill her to watch something else for a change? Mia never makes me watch that shit.

  “Blake Collins, can you answer my question for me?” My head snaps to the front of the class to see Mrs. Hampton, our teacher, staring at me waiting for a response. With her hand on her hip, it’s obvious I have no idea what she’s talking about.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear the question.” I readjust in my seat.

  “Maybe if you were actually listening instead of socializing, you would’ve heard it. This is your last warning or I’m moving you.” Before she can get onto me anymore, the class phone rings and Mrs. Hampton walks to her desk to answer it. I glance to the back corner of the room to see Mia shaking her head at me. I roll my eyes and face the front.

  Hilary leans over, no doubt to c
ontinue our conversation about this weekend, but the teacher interrupts her. “Blake, you’re needed in the office.”

  Great.

  I don’t think I’ve done anything to be in trouble. So, with a shrug, I grab my stuff, get up from my desk, and head toward the office. It’s crazy how a person can go from not having a care in the world, to feeling the weight of it on his shoulders, but that’s what happens as soon as I open the door and see my mother.

  She’s sitting in one of the chairs against the wall with her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands. No one has said anything to me, but they don’t have to. I already know.

  Dad.

  Something bad has happened.

  I feel it in my gut.

  It’s in the way the hair on the back of my neck stands on end and the way my mother looks up at me like her world just ended.

  The walls are closing in, suffocating me as each second ticks by that my mother doesn’t say anything. Her mouth parts, but nothing comes out. It’s as if she can’t bring herself to do it, to completely shatter me like she is.

  I don’t move. Maybe if I stand here long enough, it’ll all go away. But no matter how still I am or how much I wish it away, that’s not life, and it comes crashing down on me with the sole purpose of destroying my soul.

  “Blake, sweetie,” my mom’s broken voice says.

  “Where is he?” My mind knows what’s going on, but my heart refuses to accept it. It’s not true, it can’t be.

  She stands on shaky legs as tears run down her cheeks. Her arms reach out and she grabs me, clutching me to her body as she trembles. My arms lay limply at my sides, unable to comfort her in return. I’m numb and in a state of disbelief. Mom lets go and falls back into the chair. She looks up at me with red-rimmed eyes and presses her lips together to keep her chin from quivering. The image only breaks me. Knowing the cause of it makes it almost impossible to breathe.

  “Mom?” My voice cracks despite my efforts to come across strong.